Have you seen your Father?

Training camp! Wow, what a week! I was pretty nervous to go all the way to Georgia to meet the 28 strangers I would be spending the next year with. But woah. God is so good. The people He put on this team are so incredible. After only a week together, I am already so excited to grow and serve with them. We are definitely going to have a good time doing it. When the speaker said, “How many of you are glad seriousness is not a fruit of the Spirit” and my whole team cheered, I knew they were my kinda people. 

With all the fun of meeting new people and your typical “minute to win it” camp games, came some intense challenges as well. There were a lot of simulations to see how we would handle certain situations on the mission field. For instance, we slept in tents the whole time, but one day they pretended that half of our luggage was lost at the airport. This meant that we had to figure out how to sleep that night using only what we had with us. We all shared tents, I used some of my teammate’s clothes as a pillow, some people used their tent’s rain cover as a blanket, we slept without our sleeping pads, stuff like that. The exercise in problem solving was necessary since we never know what we will come up against in another country. 

Every day also had a different theme. For Asia day we had to only use chopsticks at meals, for Africa day we did not get utensils at all, just our hands. For India day, the women had to wear head coverings for meal times, etc. Each day we ate the traditional food of the region and the dress code changed depending on what was appropriate for each place. We even had a travel day and an adventure day simulation. The goal of adventure day is to be pushed out of your comfort zone and try something new. I felt like I had been doing that all week, so I wasn’t too worried. They brought out a century old duck egg and a cup of crickets. It was horrid. The egg had the most potent “fish that had been floating in a lake dead for 2 weeks” taste and the cricket turned to dust when we bit down. We all quickly started drinking water and eating Cliff bars or anything we could find to get the taste out of our mouths. But I was actually kinda proud that we all pushed ourselves to try it and that we all did it together. 

We found out our small break out teams as well. My team is 6 of us girls we call the “Sol Sisters”. We will be serving together for the first 4 months until we have a team change. If you would like to read their blogs throughout the year in case I leave something out, I will list them here:

Makalah- https://makalahdavis.theworldrace.org/

Brittany- https://brittanycoleman.theworldrace.org/

Lauren- https://laurenleighjohnson.theworldrace.org/

Katherine- https://katherinejeane.theworldrace.org/

Caitlyn- https://caitlynsmith.theworldrace.org/ 

Training camp taught us all so much. A lot of practical lessons like I now know how to take apart my tent in under 10 minutes in the rain, like a pro. I also now know a lot about my teammates, like who I would want to demolish another team in flag football with versus who I would love to go to a quiet coffee shop with and just talk to. But more than anything, I learned about the Lord and His plan for me on this trip. 

One day as I was praying I remembered when I was young and would be scared, I would cry at night to my mom about how someone was going to get me. My dad is a big man at 6 foot 8 so my mom would always say, “Have you seen your dad?! If someone tried to break in, they would take one look at your dad and run the other direction.” That always reassured me because she was right, he would be terrifying for a burglar or whatever I was picturing in my head that night. As I sat there praying, I felt like the Lord was repeating these words back to me. I had a lot of anxiety about the trip, it was all getting too real and coming too soon. I was thinking of all the things that could go wrong and all the things there were to be afraid of, when I heard the Lord say, “Have you seen your Father? If anyone tries to hurt you, they have to go through Me. If your earthly father can send your fears running, how much more can I?” I held on to that truth.

But a couple days later, the fear came back. We found out our first 6 countries. The moment was so exciting as she was announcing each one. Month one…..drum roll……Guatemala, we all cheer. Month two….drum roll….Honduras….my gut drops. That moment I went from extreme excitement to fully overcome by fear so quickly. I didn’t think Honduras scared me anymore. That trip was 5 years ago, I thought I was over it. A lot of very scary things happened on that trip. I got injured the first day, I got sick and remained sick for the next two years, as well as a very scary and dangerous night that I will not go into so as to not scare my teammates that might read this. The rest of that evening I was overwhelmed by fear. I was shaking at dinner, I felt like I was going to cry every time someone looked at me or asked to pass the rice. 

Yes, I do believe that trip was traumatizing for me and trauma has a way of coming back up. I do believe in the psychology of it all and triggers and all that. But without a shadow of a doubt I also believe that this was a spiritual battle. I was never afraid to go back to Honduras, in fact someone on my team had a dream that I would go back to build a church and that thought excited me even while I was on bed rest on that trip. Even after I returned home and told people how scary that one night was, I was filled with adrenaline at the thought of going back. So this fear that took over my entire mind, I knew was of the enemy.

But I still walked into worship that night afraid. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see an image of a face, the face that had caused so much fear in Honduras, he was laughing at me. During worship I tried to focus, but I couldn’t stop seeing his face. He was taunting me. That face embodied all the fear that I was feeling about the trip and it was almost as if he was laughing because he knew the fear controlled me. I shared with my small team and they prayed over me. I went to sleep still full of fear, but I now knew that I had 5 girls praying for me and that was comforting. 

The next morning in worship I felt the Lord speaking to me clearer than I ever have before. I sat down quickly to write it all down, because I never wanted to forget it. Here is a journal excerpt from that day:

“Lord, thank You for today. Yesterday was filled with such fear. Every time I closed my eyes I felt like I could see the principal from Pinares laughing at me. Now it’s only 10am and I already feel Your peace. Last night in worship there was a song that talked about the ocean. I don’t remember what the song was, but during the song I kept picturing the ocean again and again. This morning during worship I saw his face and he was laughing at me again. I immediately started thinking about the ocean to calm down. I saw a vivid picture. When I closed my eyes, I saw him in the ocean laughing at me like before. But this time, Your mighty waves came crashing over him and took him away. You are bigger. You are more powerful. You don’t lose, You won’t start now.

Then I just sat on the shore and watched the waves come in. I felt at peace. As I was watching the waves, I was back at Pismo Beach, in the same place that my mom and I had sat a month before. I leaned against her and now instead of the fear that had been plaguing me all night, I felt peace and safety and comfortably known. It was almost as if I had finally found rest from all the fear and running. For the first time since the night before, I felt my heart rate slow down and my fight or flight instinct chill the heck out. I was safe and my body knew that now. But when I looked up to see her, I realized it was never my mother with me there on the beach. When I looked up I saw that it was Jesus I had been resting on. I leaned on You and You gave me peace. I don’t want to ever forget this image. You are going to use me to bring light to Honduras. The first time was just preparation for what You have planned. You are good. Your plan is good. I no longer have to be afraid, because You alone are in control, You will always conquer evil and fill me with peace.” 

So yeah, training camp was wild. All the things the Lord did in one week, I can’t even imagine what He will do with this next year.

Thank You, God, that You are holding me, that I can lean back on You and find rest. You alone can give this peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding.

-K