What a wild season this has been. You know when a TV show gets cancelled, but then gets picked up for one final season by a different network and comes back just weird and different? I’m talking new cast members that make no sense to the plot, favorite characters written out with no explanation, filmed on a crazy low budget, makes you wonder if it is a spin off of the original, type of stuff. If you watched the final season of Arrested Development you know exactly what I’m talking about. Yeah, that’s what my life has felt like lately. Weird changes keep coming and I just keep thinking, “Man, this story line is all over the place”.
Right now I’m working two jobs, preschool teacher by day, Zinburger employee by night. I just got promoted at the restaurant which has been so fun and I know that the preschool is growing me in so many ways (patience, especially). But juggling both has been a little hectic. I leave my house at 7:30 every morning and get home around 9:30 every night. Luckily I have weekends off or I would probably collapse. My roommate just randomly moved out only giving me 2 days of notice and leaving behind a ton of her belongings for me to clean out, while also turning off all the utilites. Which means I have spent my student’s nap time all week getting rid of her things, trying to contact the people to get my electricity back on, and yes, fundraising for this trip.
It’s overwhelming at first, but I can’t help but laugh. What a weird life. I’m not sure what the heck is going down in the writer’s room, but this show is getting hard to follow. With so much going on here in Arizona, it’s hard to even think about what comes after this. My goal is to go home for a month or two this summer to say my goodbyes before leaving in August. But every day has been so hectic I have not even been able to figure any of it out. A year abroad takes a lot of preparation. Preparation that I have not even considered yet. I’m still letting people know that I’m going on this trip, it still feels so new. There’s still so much to do: getting gear to live out of a backpack for a year, immunizations, flights to and from launch, moving out, etc. So much to get planned out and I don’t even have a packing list yet!
Fundraising in the midst of all of this has been one of the most insane experiences. When I went to Honduras I had to raise $2,000. Many people gave what they could and I was so grateful. But that $2,000 really felt like it stretched my friends and family as far as they could give, so this whole $18,000 thing was terrifying at first. Of course, after the two years of signs that I was called to go on this trip, I knew that God would provide. But DANG. I had no idea how much or how quickly. One night I was praying over support letters with a friend asking God to use the letters however He wanted, but to please provide enough to cover the cost of the stamps it took to send them out. The very next day I woke up halfway to my goal! All that and I hadn’t even sent the letters out yet. God made it abundantly clear that morning that He was in control. You see, I had all these plans of how I would get there myself. I figured even if my circle back home could find a way to gather $2,000 I would still need to figure out the other $16,000 myself. With my two jobs, plus flipping furniture on Facebook Marketplace, selling T-shirts, and thrifting clothes, I was sure to save up at least a couple thousand on my own. There was still about a $10,000 gap, but I was just thinking that I could sell blood plasma or something. Notice the “I” theme you see throughout that plan. I was going to make a way on my own.
The Lord showed me right away that it was not in my hands, but His. There is no reason why I should already be half way funded, other than Him. Someone from my squad texted me basically saying what the heck, you just said fundraising would be your biggest struggle, how did you get 50% funded so quickly. I honestly read that text and laughed because I had no idea how to answer. I simply texted back “God is so good. I think He’s trying to teach me that it’s not up to me lol”. Absolutely absurd. How did I get 50% so quickly? I don’t even know what is going on here or why, don’t question it.
Have you ever been so overwhelmed by gratitude that you just kinda sit there speechless wondering why God would choose to be so good to you? That’s been me a lot lately. Also a lot of texts to my mom like “_____ just donated $___, why would they do that? What do I even say?” Every time someone donates I am just so overcome with gratitude, to the donor of course, but even more to the Lord. He is going so out of the way to show that He has a big plan for me and for this trip. I have never had a lot of money, so this truly does seem like a perfect example of when I am weak, He is strong. Had I been able to afford it on my own, I would have never been able to see Him move so marvelously. I am so grateful. Life has been so hectic and every hour is so full that when I see a new donation in the midst of it all I just sink down a little bit and ask “Why God? Why are you so good to me?” He provides for me before I even have a second to ask.
There is so much still to do. So many unknowns, so many decisions to make, so many transitions. It has been a wild season and is about to get much wilder. But through it all, the Lord has shown me time and time again that it is in His hands. I’m not sure what more I could ask for. Not all seasons of a TV show get nominated for an Emmy and not all seasons in life are “the good old days”, but I am really learning to value these middle grounds. There’s a song by Chris Renzema called “Let the Ground Rest”. He talks about how there is beauty in the waiting. You plant a seed, then you let the ground rest. “Cause He’ll finish what He starts. He started this I know. But if you saw the plans, maybe you wouldn’t go. I watched Him plant a seed and then let the ground rest. So child, oh, believe, ’cause I promise there’s a harvest.”
It’s been a wild season for sure, but I know that it is all for a reason. This is all part of my origin story. Who am I to assume which parts will be helpful down the road? I’m learning to trust that God does not waste anything. This is not a filler season. This time is not in vain. These experiences will not be wasted, but used to grow me in ways that I will need later. My students love Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, cause come on, who wouldn’t? It’s the main topic of most of my days. So when I think of this season of just weird new challenges and new people and new circumstances, I consider it my mystery mouseketool. The “surprise tool that can help us later” as Mickey would say. I don’t know what He is teaching me, but I know it is good. I don’t know how it will help on the race, but I know that God will use it. Do I really need to know more?
I am currently sitting on my floor in an empty living room with the lights shut off and a mobile hotspot on my phone since I no longer have Wifi. It is completely silent in my house, but I don’t turn on music or anything. It’s nice. At first it was scary, no roommate, no power, no running water. I felt so alone and vulnerable in my super sketchy neighborhood. But now I sit here thanking God for this time alone. My squad is amazing. I love all 30 of them. They are so fun to talk to and I know that we will have a great time together. But knowing that I will be with them day in and day out for an entire year, in some pretty tight spaces, makes me so grateful for this time with complete silence and complete solitude. If nothing else, this season has taught me how to be completely independent yet completely dependent on God, alone with Him and content in that. He is teaching me that He is all I need. But what an interesting route I had to take to get here. I am thankful for this season. This season of preparation for what is to come. It is so beautiful to watch, confusing at times, but beautiful nonetheless. I can’t wait to see it all tied up in a bow and finally understand how God uses it in the future, but for now I am content in trusting that He will. Stay tuned.
Thank You Lord, that You use the winter to make spring all the more beautiful.
-K
