When my brother, Kai, was 5 he got a jump rope for Christmas. He was obsessed with it. I remember him jumping rope in front of the tv while he watched his favorite movie on repeat. Why do kids do that? Pick a new movie, am I right? Anyways, Kai was jumping rope nonstop that first couple of days after Christmas. I challenged him to see how many times he could jump it in a row without messing up. I jumped first and stopped around 20, you know, to keep it fair. Gotta give the kid some hope. When it was his turn, he got so excited and jumped three times over the rope. Then he stated, “I can only do 3.” We went again. Double or nothing. Again he got three. He tried time and time again but could only get 3 jumps in before messing up.
As I watched him, I noticed that he was stopping himself after 3. He had told himself that he could only do 3 and he believed it. After the third jump, he wouldn’t even try for the 4th. I said in my most competitive voice, “Kai, this one’s for the win. Let’s see if you can do 4. Sounds wild, but I really think you can do it.” He looked at me like I was crazy. “KK I can’t”, he said. “Try”, I said. He went for it and the darndest thing happened. He hit 4. He jumped 4 times then stopped.
He was so proud of himself and ran to tell mom that he hit 4. But still, he stopped himself at 4, he didn’t even try for 5 because of the limit he had set up in his own mind. The idea of 4 jumps was so wild, he could never even think of doing 5. After he mastered 4 a couple more times, I told him to do 5. “Ohhhh nooooo, I can’t”, he said. “Try”, I said. And guess what, he did. He even got up to 6 that day. That doesn’t sound like much but he’s like 5 years old okay, this isn’t a story of him getting to 100 or something. 6 jumps is still relatively big.
He could have gotten to 6 that whole time, but was stuck in the box that he had created for himself. He allowed the limits that he had made up in his own mind to stop him from reaching his full potential. Ouch cause same. I feel like I am constantly putting myself in a box as well. I came to Central America thinking I don’t know how this is going to go since I don’t know Spanish. “I can’t”, I said. “Try”, He said. And somehow God has been using me to translate. What?! When our translators are sick or we need to split up into groups and there aren’t enough translators, people look to me. I have been asked to translate so many times already and I NEVER would have thought that I could learn Spanish on the fly.
I also came to Honduras not knowing how I would be of any assistance in a construction project. I can’t build a church. Everything I know about building is from Bob the Builder. “I can’t”, I said. “Try”, He said”. The Lord has taught me to simply be willing to learn. And guys, I built a door! Like, full on sawed wood to size and hammered it together, sanded it then put it on hinges. I did that. And now it works. It is a real functioning door!
I’m learning not to limit myself based off of what I think I can handle. But more than that I am learning not to limit God. Because, I know I put myself in a box, but how much more have I told God what He was capable of? For instance, Honduras had a lot of negative connotations for me. When I thought back to my time in Honduras, it was always bad or scary or uncomfortable. I never thought that would go away. Even when we first got to Guatemala and I loved it so much, I still didn’t want to move there long term because I couldn’t picture living that close to Honduras. I knew I was called to Central America, but I was too afraid of being anywhere near Honduras again.
But right now I sit in my tent on the side of a mountain, 20 minutes away from the very city in Honduras that held so much fear for me for so long. I knew that God was a God of redeeming stories. But when someone said maybe this time in Honduras would redeem the country for me, I laughed. What a cute sentiment, they must not understand what I went through here. I never thought it was possible. Just like Kai thought 6 jumps was too much for him, I thought this was too much for God. But He’s been doing exactly that. I’m not scared to be here like I thought I would be. I’m not having PTSD flashbacks like a military movie, the way I thought I would. I feel good. I feel safe. I feel like this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.
Even the night last week when the police showed up in the dark, fully armored and in military camo. I saw them walking up and everyone screamed. I looked at them and thought to myself, “Why am I not more afraid right now?” I stood there and didn’t flinch, when they walked past me I got a little tense. I wasn’t afraid, but I still wanted to stay as far away from them as possible. They had the exact uniforms I had remembered rushing us out of our home 5 years ago yelling at us to keep our heads down to stay out of range of the gunmen attacking us. I looked at them this time and wasn’t taken back to that moment. I wasn’t overwhelmed by fear. I was okay. I felt the Lord say, “I will restore this if you will let me”. “Lord I can’t”, I said. “Try”, He said. My flesh didn’t want to be anywhere near them, but I knew that I had to allow the Lord to work in the moment.
I went into the kitchen and helped Carmen make the officers a sandwich and coffee. I brought each officer a plate and said, “Dios te bendiga”, God bless you. It was scary, but the kind of scary that you know is necessary. The kind that you know is healing. The police chief was friends with our host and so they had come to make sure we were all good and felt safe. When someone asked who wanted to pray over them, it was silent for a long time, my heart dropped. No one was volunteering. “Lord, I can’t”, I said. “Try”, He said. I volunteered. I prayed over the officers and even took photos with them. Afterwards, one of the younger officers came up to me and we shared tongue twisters back and forth along with my hosts. It was just me, my hosts Paul and Tonya, and 6 officers laughing at my interpretation of silly Honduran tongue twisters.
I never thought that I could feel safe in Honduras again. The country as a whole but especially not 20 minutes away from that city and surrounded by armed officers. But that night I did. I went to bed smiling and thinking to myself, “God, You didn’t have to do that.” I was already feeling better about Honduras, but He used something that would have been a trigger, to show me the progress He has made in my heart. He is so good. I never thought it was possible. That was a limit that I had set up for Him. He tore right on through like it was nothing. He is strong and fierce, yet still so gentle with me in the process.
Thank You, Father, that You don’t stay within the parameters I make up for You. Continue shattering all of my expectations of You. Continue showing me that I have no reason to fear. You are bigger. Continue teaching me this.
-K
